Being With, Honoring, and Upholding the Feminine Spirit
This past Sunday my teenage son and I attended a matinée showing of the new “Barbie” movie that was just released, taking advantage of the free pass I had and the “all movies are $8 on Mondays” deal for my son’s ticket. I have been hearing fabulous things about this movie and I was very curious to see what all the buzz was about! It did NOT disappoint! In fact, it gave me much to unpack and discern regarding what it is to be in a *woman’s body, heart, mind and spirit – especially since I have been all but consumed by the “feminine-centered” facets of our human species this past week. So, please allow me to unpack and share my observations and experiences, all of them speaking to my connection with my own feminine identity and the identities of those I have recently shared space, time and interactions with – there is a thread of connection for me and I strongly feel called to express and share it…
The early part of last week I spent three days – 7+ hours each day – volunteering with Compassion Prison Project (CPP) in the Central California Women’s Facility (CCWF) in Chowchilla, CA. A non-profit organization, founded by a woman, and with a mission of bringing healing and compassion to our incarcerated populations; a mission that is very near and dear to my heart! My 3-nights of lodging and some of my meals for the three days were covered so that gas was pretty much my only expense – something that this currently un/under-employed woman was truly grateful for!
I have served as a volunteer many times in facilities that house our male incarcerated population, and I loved every minute of it! I witnessed just how powerful the seemingly insignificant act of listening to, and really seeing, another person as a divine human can bring about a significant positive transformation in such a short amount of time! Truly – MIRACLES took place right before my very eyes!
Holding space inside with the men was easy for me, and truly enlightening and transforming… so how would it be to hold space with other women, as a woman?! To be quite honest it was not something that I was initially attracted to doing at all, and I think my rationale was this:
*Wouldn’t there be sort of a “competitive nature” – woman sharing space with women?
*Would I be seen as a threat, a competitor, or someone presenting a similar biological identity who might be viewed as being “above” them in some way – superior to them because I am not in their current situation?
*Would I be viewed as a “know it all” woman – a woman who “has her sh*t together” and would never do anything that would lead to incarceration?
*Would they be offended if I saw them, or even addressed them, as a sister – something I do with my girlfriends and other feminine counterparts in my world? The very last thing I would want to do is trigger or traumatize them more than they already were. And I do see them as a fellow human being, a beloved sister in the eyes of God/Spirit/Creator/Universe…
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While I was very hesitant in many ways, I was also very curious as to how the energy would be while sharing a circle with my sisters – these beautiful, divine women – many of whom have traveled a very different, and a likely more traumatic, path in many ways…
*Could/would I be seen and held as a safe friend, human – a sister – and someone who could relate to them on some level?
*Do we hold some of the same hurts and wounds that being female-identifying would subject us to in this world and in these times?
*Would we – could we – form a bond of understanding and shared experiences because of the prevalent themes of oppression, sexism, objectifying, minimizing, and the other harmful and dehumanizing conditions that plague our societies?
*Will we have some of the same sources of joy and laughter that simply being alive can offer?
*Could I offer them an open, non-judgmental heart while owning and remaining true to my own feminine nature, power and understanding of what it is to be a woman?
I was fortunate to be given an opportunity to answer all, if not more, of the questions I posed above. As I walked through the gates of the women’s detention facility in Chowchilla, CA on the morning of July 17th I silently asked for the grace to stay open, curious, and I was excited to spend 24 hours inside during the next 3 days with hundreds of women. Many of these beautiful women hold onto similar wounds as I do… many of them had children (some grandchildren) at home as I do… many of them have suffered from repeated heartbreak, abandonment issues, “daddy” issues, difficult relationships, oppression, and sexism as I have/do… and many of them have experienced things I could never – nor would want to – imagine!
As CPP’s “compassion circle exercise” that is held each time we go into a prison facility so blatantly points out – we all have so much more in common than we might initially realize! We ALL gather in a circle in the gym or on the yard and we are asked a series of 20 questions – and these are hard and very revealing questions! The questions ask us about past traumatic experiences – ranging from abuse (in all its forms), to suicide, to poverty, to racism and sexism, to bullying, violence, and substance use – it is ALL trauma and it affects us ALL whether we realize it or not.
If we, the participants answer “yes” to an adverse experience we take a step inside the circle. It quickly becomes apparent, and it is truly heart/mind/eye-opening to see the looks on the faces as we all become aware that we are NOT alone in our suffering… many of us have been made to feel alone. We think that no one can relate to our pain and our suffering, and we are embarrassed, ashamed, or self-deprecating. We often isolate ourselves within our own “self-made” walls – a false sense of protection? It is not easy being within our internal walls of crippling thoughts and painful memories… AND… it is not easy to step outside our often-self-imposed walls because then we are vulnerable and possibly exposed to more wounds, potential shame, and further trauma.
So, what do we do? How in the world do we navigate this challenging part of being human?
We NEED connection…we NEED support… we NEED validation, and we NEED to be lovingly accepted for who we are – from the moment we take our first breath! Many of us have forgotten… we have been molded… conditioned… and programmed to fear… programmed to judge (wrongfully) … to turn away from … to ignore… to look past… to look beyond our brother or sister … some of it (much of it!) because of religion… because of race… culture… gender… and the list goes on… and on…
If we can remain genuinely curious, open, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable– especially when the threat of harm, ridicule, or attack is minimal or none – then oh, what a precious gift we can receive – a uniquely HUMAN experience like no other! To meet another’s eyes – even in their pain – and hold that space with them… courageously unflinching, and unafraid of the tears and emotions that may happen… staying uncomfortable for a few moments… then a beautifully magnificent transformation can take place!
During our time inside various detention facilities, we (CPP) introduce what we call the “Namaste Exercise” – where we are asked to find a partner – one that we do not already know and preferably someone of a different race or ethnicity – and then we sit across from one another. One is asked to sit with eyes closed (or looking down) while their partner just witnesses them while gentle music is played in the background and some guided, reflective statements are read for all to consider in silence. Questions like:
*Imagine that this person has suffered from some of the same hurts/painful experiences you have…
*Imagine that this person wants to live freely, and in a world of peace like you do…
*Imagine that this person is kind, loving and generous just like you try to be…
*Imagine that this person wants to do better just like you… ETC. ETC.
Afterwards the two participants switch roles and the other takes a turn to be the witness, and the questions are repeated. This exercise/experience is one of my favorites during our CPP visits and I will ALWAYS end up with tears streaming down my face … which will often accompany the other’s tears or inspire tears of their own.
** Sidenote: I will say this… I have noticed there is sometimes a very different energy while holding this “Namaste” space with a male counterpart. It is common knowledge that men are often thought of as not being able to, or are comfortable with displaying vulnerability or sensitive reactions like crying or gentleness for whatever reason – I’m certain there are many reasons – and so when I hold this same kind of space with a man, in a men’s facility, I am often curious as to how they witness or experience my tears when they start to fall and I will ask them as such when it’s time to share what we experienced… and at the same time it’s always an honor, and deeply connecting, for me to witness and hold their tears when they start to fall, and afterwards I thank them for that opportunity, and reassure them that they are safe with me.
Again, this is just another example of relating to another human, and relating to the full scope of their human experience – know that the majority of is akin to own experiences. It also requires a deep level of trust to allow another to witness us while we have our eyes closed – it is the most vulnerable state of being that we can imagine – with our eyes closed we don’t know what’s coming… what is around us… and we are trusting that the other person “has our back” and will protect us while witnessing us. I will note that these trauma circles do ask all the participants to be vulnerable and we try to provide a safe environment so that vulnerability is possible – and what is experienced because of this is life-changing, unexpectedly transformational! All of it beautiful!!
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I returned home from Chowchilla late Wednesday night and woke up on Thursday to get things rolling for renewing my substitute teaching permit – as I am trying to piece together ways to establish steady income while I am manifesting and growing my new calling/career… and so I called the local education office to set up my finger printing appointment. Silly me, I thought that this part of the application and renewal process would be covered by the education office, but I discovered that it was not. When the woman – I will refer to her as “L” – on the phone told me it would cost $81 to get fingerprinted, I started to get emotional, thinking about how things are so financially tight for me right now, and the thought of spending $81 – even beneficially – makes me sad, nervous, frustrated, discouraged… and … VULNERABLE.
I paused quietly I imagine “L” could sense my pause and then through the forming tears I explained my disappointment and surprise at the fee for this needed requirement of fingerprinting. I asked if there was a waiver I could apply for – it never hurts to ask, right? She could hear my discouragement and said she would ask her supervisor and get back to me. She called me back a little later and told me that she, herself, would take care of the fee for me… telling me that she “had been in my footsteps in the past and we sisters need to look out for one another” … I could not speak for a moment upon digesting her words and then, overcome by her sisterly support and generosity, and through a broken voice, I softly replied with deep gratitude and appreciated for her and her gift to me and made my appointment for the following Monday. In gratitude for her kind sisterly understanding and support, I showed up with a small vase – as I keep several on hand to give away when the opportunity arises – of freshly picked roses from my garden as a small token of thanks for her understanding of me and ability to relate to me and then act in a way that truly witnessed and upheld my dignity and significance as a human in need.
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Fast forward to Monday morning and just before my fingerprinting appointment at the local Office of Education, I was scheduled to lead a music circle at a local women’s day shelter. Earlier this summer I had answered a call for women musicians to join Play It Forward, a local organization that brings music to underserved and marginalized populations. Several local female musicians had signed up to be in rotation to bring an hour of music of any kind on Mondays (Music Mondays) to the women and children at the shelter/day center. Gratefully, through Play It Forward, we musicians would be compensated a stipend for our time and talent – but what we would be bringing to these impoverished, abused and traumatized humans at the shelter would be priceless!
This would be my first time to lead a “Music Mondays” session and so I brought my basket of small percussion instruments, about 5 of my djembe drums, my speaker and a couple of simple, all-inclusive, songs that I could easily teach and lead over the course of an hour. I did not know who would show up, it could be one person, or it could be 20!
I had about 3 women and two of them had toddlers with them… and over that hour we played on the drums, we shook the shaker eggs, clicked the rhythm sticks, moved our bodies with the music and filled the space with sweet sounds of singing the easy tune of “Funga Alafia” – a song of welcome, inclusivity, witness, and peace from Western Africa. This is a beloved song that I have taught hundreds of children in my music classroom over the past 3 years.
We smiled… we danced… we beat the drums… we connected through our music making… we connected through our womanhood… our human sisterhood… our shared humanity … and for a little while we forgot! We forgot about the hard things – the hurts… the sadness… the pain… and the bruises… the worry… or the fears that plague our every day existences… and we had fun! These beautiful women… these mothers… these daughters… these aunties… and sisters … some of whom might be currently experiencing similar traumatic circumstances that the women I held space with at the Central California Women’s Facility have experienced.
So, for an hour on a Monday morning in July, we remembered… we returned to our true human center – our true goddess magnificence… we returned to our joy-center… we beautiful sisters stepped back into our true nature of play and curiosity with a desire to connect meaningfully and socially with other sisters… with other humans … and we had fun!
It is not lost on me that over the course of a week in July 2023, I was surrounded by the beautiful energies of many sisters – many women whom I was blessed to encounter, to witness, to share tears with, and to sing songs with… whether through a movie screen (Barbie movie)… or in a circle of tears, grieving and healing while behind metal fences and barbed wires in a central California women’s prison … or in a circle of play, drumming, singing and dancing at a local women’s shelter… or a sister holding my hand as I was getting my fingertips scanned!
Many of these sisters I have never met before… and many I will likely never see again… but I was touched… I was sparked… I was inspired… I was empowered… I was divinely placed among, and purposefully and intricately connected to other feminine hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits… I was connected through shared sorrows, traumatic experiences, fears, hurts, disappointments, mistakes, and tears… I was akin to laughter, joy, play motherhood, daughterhood, sisterhood… and in and through all of it I was reminded that we need each other – and it is time, it is necessary, and it is good!
*While I deeply honor and respect that there are many ways to self-identify, in this reflection I am going to speak more to the cisgender woman energy, understanding, and identity.